I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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