was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
