It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
