we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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