I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
