he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
