Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
