I think I died a long time ago.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I want a musical about memes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
