I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
