you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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