I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's not a walk of shame if you run
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
