I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
