its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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