You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
