It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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