people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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