Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
