we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
