I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
