went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
