My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
