can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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