im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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