This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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