My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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