there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
