I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
