Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize