I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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