3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize
