i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
