Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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