My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
