The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize