mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
