whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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