I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
