i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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