And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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