fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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