What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
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I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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