Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
