They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
