Im at strip club and am horny
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
