I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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