I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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