I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
