Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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