AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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