i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
