I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
