chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
