I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
