i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
